got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize