I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize