So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
