If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
