is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
