Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize