Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize