oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
