Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
