I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
