dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
