his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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