4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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