He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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