I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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