Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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