I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
