Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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