It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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