I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize