Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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