i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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