Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
