You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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