Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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