why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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