I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
