totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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