I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
