My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I am one with the molecules
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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