the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
