Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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