You made me cry and you don't even care
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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