Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
