i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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