5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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