Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
