dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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