Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize