when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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