How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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