you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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