I could have mohawked her pubes.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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