Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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