Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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