Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
