The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
