I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
