I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
