if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
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