How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
