Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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