Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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