i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
