The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
