My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
