I wish I could punch you in the face.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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