The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
