anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
