how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
